We Will Become Silhouettes

"I became a surgeon finally. I got the good hands, as ballplayers say. But I was so good I scared myself silly. I'd open up some poor bastards belly and know he was going to die. I'd operate and know the cancer or tumor would come back but I'd send them off home with a smile and a lot of bullshit. Some poor broad comes in and I slice off one tit. A year later she's back and I slice off the other tit. A year after that, I scoop out her insides like you scoop the seeds out of a cantaloupe. After all that she dies anyway. Meanwhile husbands keep calling up and asking, 'What do the tests show? What do the tests show?'"

The Harrowing Adventures Of...

I find it weird that some days I feel like one week everyone at work likes me then the next week I'm not sure if they like me or just don't hate me. I shouldn't care, and most of the time I don't, it's just that when you work midnights it feels like they're the only people I see so it would be nice if they like me. This past week a surprisingly attractive woman started at my job which was a nice surprise. I'm sure this will sound much creepier then I intend it to but it's always nice when gazing into the distance, daydreaming at work, that an attractive women is in your field of view so it gets me thinking about what my life would be like if I actually loved someone. It would be nice. Methinks that is the biggest thing missing in my life. Despite my best efforts I generally like a lot of stuff and put on a happy facade (I'm still not sure if I'm happy or clinically depressed, someday I'll find out), but it sure would be great to experience love at some point in my life. I'm almost getting too old to grow old with someone.

Treat me like your mother

I'm tired. Time to work some more.

Cause=Time

What`s more important, celebrating a life achievement or being there for someone who has very little time in life left. Clearly the latter should be of more significance, but I went and did the former. I`ve had this saturday night booked for a month and a half where I, along with my brother, sister and brother in law, were to take out my parents for their anniversary, and then when my mother found out about it suggested we go bowling afterwards. Then this past thursday I found out that I`m wanted to visit my friend with cancer on saturday, who has gotten severely worse since I last saw him and is on his last month or two of life, or so the doctors think. I probably should`ve gone to visit my friend, but then again family is more important. But family would understand. It wasn`t just the anniversary dinner and bowling though, my sister just bought a new house so I wanted to see it, and I love their puppy and haven`t seen it since christmas so I needed to see their dog as well. Hell, I haven`t even seen my parents since christmas. In case you need reminding I don`t do a damn thing with my spare time, so when two things come up it really puts me in a pickle. I`m trying to think this all through in my head to see if I did the right thing. I know I didn`t and I`m trying to make excuses good enough to justify it but there`s just no justification. My friend is dying and I should`ve went to visit him. Fuck.

All My Friends/Someone Great

It's rather sad sometimes to think back. I used to get so excited when a band I liked released an album. I would count down the days until the release, read every review I could, find out when they were touring near me, and on the day it released I would sometimes skip class (if they were real important to me) and go get the cd and listen to it every chance I could for the next week. I would forgo doing anything else just so I could listen to the music. Sometimes I think that it's because I used to listen to music so closely that I hear things in songs that very few others do. Of course probably everyone else in the world feels the same way. I used to feel that my life wouldn't be complete until I saw NIN and Mars Volta live about 7 years ago. Then NIN released an album I didn't like that much and I saw a live dvd before I finally got to see them live, and while it was great, it wasn't life fulfilling. And now Mars Volta has released a couple of albums that I don't like nearly as much as the first one and they replaced their drummer. I'm not sure why but the drummer is the band member I listen to the most and if the drummer isn't up to par it really, really bothers me. Alexisonfire had a different drummer on the first two albums then the last two albums and I can really hear the difference, but whenever someone asks me why I don't like the last two albums as much and I reply "the drummer", people look at me like I'm an idiot. But I hear the difference and it really bugs me! The same with Mars Volta. The new drummer uses more foot pedal and I've always preferred more stick drumming then foot drumming and it really bugs me. But such is life, you grow old, grumpy, and lose your childhood vigor. And I'm only 27.

No Cars Go

I screw myself over every "weekend" (when you only have one day off a week and it's not a day, it's a night, I can't call it a proper weekend) by playing hockey every friday when I should be sleeping. So the next few days I fuck up my sleeping as bad as I fuck up my life. But hey, it's the only chance I get to see people consistently and be happy about it. I spent $300 this week upgrading the hard drive in my ps3. That's just fucking stupid. Why the hell did I do that? I could've used that money to pay for like a third of a trip when I actually get two weeks off in July (!!!!). But now I can play new games without having to delete old games holy shit it was totally worth it!!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!! In other news life isn't nearly as shitty as I make it out to be. I still like me and that's what matters to me the most. I can't help liking other people but as long as I like myself I'm a happy guy.

There's no release

It gets really awkward at work when I'm the only single guy there and everyone else talks about their girlfriends/wives. I should be used to it by now what with being single for so long, but it never gets easy always having to listen to people talk about their significant other day after day. It also doesn't help living in the same house as two friends that are married but that's another story. I especially loved it when they were fighting everyday and she moved out for about a week (this was before they got married). Those were good times.

Hearing Damage

He has a friend with cancer, that's been known for months now. He found out this week his friend isn't going to survive it. His cancer friend figures to have 3 months to live. The chemotherapy didn't work and the doctors don't really know what else to do. What to do with such information? Should he just accept the news and come to terms with it or should he defy it and hope something positive will happen? He and some others went over to his cancer friends house tonight to watch a hockey game. His cancer friend can barely talk, he can't move his right arm, he's in tremendous pain and has to take pills 10 times more effective then morphine. Sometimes his friend puts his head down on a cushion, closes his eyes and groans a little, causing the rest to look at each other to see if this is normal. It is. The other friends talk about some of the things they can take the cancer friend to one last time. The strip club, a hockey game, a casino. On the car ride back from his cancer friends house he thinks about what he might do. What's more important? Spending the last moments of your life with friends and family or doing things you've never had the chance to do like see the world? His initial reaction is to see the world one last time, but maybe his cancer friend is right. Maybe just enjoying the little things one last time is the way to go. There is no right answer. He is sad. The sun rises.