Hello there. This is my day off this week. I only get one day off a week until Easter weekend. I get grumpy on my day off. I don't know what to do with a day off working midnights. Here's what people do off on their days off when they work days or afternoons. They wake up, then they can either do some chores or go somewhere and do something, see some people, you know, do whatever you want. And usually at the end of the day, at least this is what I would do at the end of the day, I would hang out with some friends and just enjoy some good company and end the day on a high note. On midnights I have to do anything that needs to get done within a couple hours of waking up because everything closes after that. Then if I'm very lucky I may see some friends (very unlikely now), then I have another 8 hours to kill before I go to sleep with nothing to do. Everyone is asleep. Nothing's open. I just sit in a dark room and watch movies or play games and get very depressed because I'm unhappy with the way my life has gone. You know how seeing the sun makes you happy? i'm not allowed that. I get a couple hours of happiness followed by three times as many hours of depression. Working nights sucks.

I just counted and I have 11 empty toilet paper rolls sitting in my bathroom. That's a good solid couple of months of me not throwing out a single roll when I'm done with it. God it sucks being single for this long. It's a good thing I barely have/see any friends or watch any tv otherwise I might get reminded of valentines day some more and how lonely I should be. Instead I ignore life and live the life of an ignorant dumbass. Huzzah! I haven't spoken to anyone in my family in 3 weeks. I think that's a new record for me. I did play hockey on friday morning for the first time in 7+ months and I think that's the only day in the past two weeks where I saw a friend. All in all I've been even more hermit like then normal and I'm a horrible hermit to begin with. That's probably bad. It's sad that I waste so much time. Here's a normal day for me. Wake up at 5pm. Go on the internet for 30 mins. Play video games for 2 hours. Shit, shave, shower, brush teeth, be as hygenic as I feel like being for the day. Make and eat supper. Watch a dvd of some kind. Go to work. Come home and play video games/watch dvd/read. Go to bed. Doesn't my life suck.

I'm trying to think of the last time I talked to a woman that wasn't a cashier. I think it was over two weeks ago. I'm also trying to think of the last time I talked to a woman that I wanted to see naked. That one is probably over a year ago. What the hell happened to my mind. How does it just disappear. Up was one of the three movies I watched on my one night off this week, and a friend came over just after I finished watching it to ask if I could feed his dog the next day, and he said he didn`t like Up as much as other movie because it was too depressing. Fuck that. What`s depressing about it. A man has a long, incredibly full life with his wife and then the husband goes on a voyage to fulfill his life long promise to his wife. That right there is Upbeat (heyo!). Up is awesome and is not depressing and was the best pixar movie I`ve seen yet. By far. But then again I like to think that I like adventure. I`m a traveller at heart but I`m too poor and working the wrong shift to do any travelling. I need to start investing in the lottery so that one day I might be able to travel.

One of my recent great joys in life was watching Bob Ross's son paint on his show. It was better then tits. I think my favourite thing about it was the first half of the show he would try and be himself by painting and talking a little different then his dad, then in the second half he either panicked or his true self came out and he started saying famous quotes and sounds that his father says. I think my favourite part about it though was his moustache. You can't fake such a magnifacent piece of technology. Anywho, on to Jack Bauer.

If you've seen the movie (500) days of summer then you'll understand that my whole life has been the reality scene and has never verged on anything as promising as the expectations scene. I'm the friend of Joseph Gordon-Levitt who hasn't had a girlfriend since grade 3 and that was for 2 weeks. I remember in grade 7 when a new girl moved into town and my younger brother started taking piano lessons from her mom, so the girl, lets call her Peggy, knew me through him. Peggy liked me but of course back then you couldn't go right out and say that and you had to have friends help you. So one day I was playing chess against a friend (I was nerdy even back then), and one of Peggy's friend came up to me and said that Peggy wanted to talk to me. She knew, I knew, my friend knew, everyone knew it was because she was about to ask me out, but I was horribly shy and terrified at the idea of it so I said I can't until I'm done my game of chess. My friend, thinking he's being a good friend and trying to hook me up, knocks his king over and says I win. So I go over to where Peggy is, and she's with a couple more friends and she goes ahead and asks me out. If someone were to do this now, I'd have to applaud her for the courage she had to do such a deed. I can't do this, but that's why I'm the lonely worker with no self-confidence and years of depression (probably). So she asks me out and I'm just in shock, I knew she liked me but I didn't think she'd do anything about it and it would go away because I'm an idiot. How do I respond to this you're probably wondering by now. Well I basically shout no! to her face and turn tail and run away extremely red faced and embarassed, again, because I'm an idiot. I can only imagine how that made her feel. I felt like shit but I bet she felt much worse then me and I've been sorry about it ever since. Of course the awkward part is that I had to go to school with her for the next 6 years after that, and all through high school she was super hot. Oh well. If someone were to ask me out now I'm not sure I'd act much different.

The worst thing about my job isn't what you'd expect it to be. It`s not the job itself, which while it isn`t great, it`s not as sucky as others I`ve had. It`s not the people either. Of my recent jobs in the past few years I have to say the group of people I`m working with now I connect least of all to. It`s not even the hours. While midnights isn`t the greatest I still think they`re better then afternoons. The worst thing by far about my job has nothing to do with work at all. It`s listening to the fucking radio. Radio is shit. Every single goddamn day I have to listen to the same shitty songs every day on one of three radio stations. One plays rock music, one plays the hits of `80`s, 90`s, whenever` and the last radio station plays the latest pop hits. All of them are shit. Every day I go to work usually in a decent mood, perhaps a little melancholic at times, but never angry and the first 30 minutes of work go by and it`s all good because the radio hasn`t been turned on yet. I get to daydream and live inside my head for a bit. I like my head, I wish I could live in it more, but it seems like I can only live in it at work with no music on. The fucking goat ass shit music comes on and lady gaga or nickelback or terrible 80`s music (fuck the 80`s, that shit isn`t awesome) ruins the next 7 and a half hours and literally makes me absolutely miserable that I have to hear it. Some days I`m lucky and I don`t realize it`s on and I tune it out, but some days people sing along to the music and actually love it! I don`t understand it! How can they love it!!! It`s greatly depressing. It`s a very good day if by some miracle a song is played that I haven`t heard in a while that I enjoy.

I suddenly realize why I liked my previous two jobs so much now. Heck even my part-time job growing up can be included here. I loved them because I was allowed to bring and play my own music. When I worked on a farm part-time there was a stereo with a tape deck so I made probably 10 tapes and listened to what I wanted to listen to. Then another job I was able to bring in my own big ass stereo (after the plant manager went home 2 hours into my shift) and I would listen to CD`s. Then my last job I was allowed to bring in my mp3 player and listen to that while working. It was glorious. I didn`t realize how much music brought joy to my life until I`ve been forced to listen to what everyone else listens to. So fuck you radio for being shitty. It`s not like we don`t have an interesting radio station in my city. We have an indepedent radio station that changes music styles every two hours usually, and while it`s hit and miss, it`s a hell of a lot more interesting to listen to. One day I was listening to it on my way home from my previous job and they were playing indian rap, so naturally next week an hour before going home from work I turned on the radio and put it on this station for everyone to listen to and they fell in love with it like I did! Every thursday at 1-2:30pm we would listen to indian rap and it would be amazing! Those are the types of things I`m missing at my job now. Sure, I`m finally making good money but my enjoyment of life isn`t what it used to be.

In a house full of weird, sometimes creepy stuff, I received the creepiest gift of all last week to place in my house. That gift would be a stuffed doll version of myself. Now when people come over the first thing they'll see if myself full of cotton. It's quite awesome. Some day I'll post a picture.

Yesterday I worked 4 hours of overtime and realized I made more in those 4 hours then I did in an 8 hour shift just a couple of weeks ago. That's fucked up. I remember when I was ridiculously poor and couldn't afford a single hour off (and I'm sure everyone else at work was close to the same way) and every day for about a month 2 people would have to go home 4 hours early because we had too many people. I was the only person that was neither sent nor volunteered to go home early. There were a couple of times where it was my 'turn' and I would be told I had to go home if no one else volunteered, but thankfully someone would volunteer and I could afford to eat that week without having to sell what few possessions I have left to make grocery money. There was a time in my life when I had well over 100 dvd's worth a couple of thousand dollars or so, but over the past year and a bit I've had to sell all but about the 15 I have left to pay for life. Some weeks I would only need grocery money so I would sell the movies I don't care for anymore, some weeks I would need a more substantial amount of money to pay for rent/car/insurance so I would have to sell my more valuable items. Of my couple thousands I spent on dvd's, I probably got $500 back for it. I've sold video games, books, a tv, anything I thought would sell fast enough for me to pay my bills. I can't regret it though, it was neccessary. I had to do it. But here's the kicker for how stupid I am. Now that I'm making decent money again what's the first thing I'm thinking of getting? A season or two of That 70's Show on dvd. I have a problem.

Thus begins my 6 week stretch of working 6 days a week. Lately I've been feeling like death is upon me. Since the new year I've been having heart/chest pains, headaches, the feeling of imminent vomitting and the like. It seems like the classic case of high blood pressure is starting to get. I still haven't seen a doctor in 5 years or more because I've never really felt like I've had any health issues at all. This is the first time in my life that I've felt like shit for a consistenly long time and I'm scared how I've decided to do nothing about it. Well that's not entirely true. I've tried reducing my sodium intake, which is really hard when you're poor and you have to buy cheap, crappy food. I really should see a doctor but I've talked myself into hating them for so many years now I have a real fear of seeing one. Hopefully it'll go away on its own.